I'm looking for a lawyer. A really good lawyer. Well.... maybe not a good lawyer, but one who goes by pure law. No ethics. No morals. No common sense. Just a lawyer that possesses the fine art of persuasion in spades. The kind of lawyer who not only thinks its a good idea to sue McDonald's for serving hot coffee, but knows he can win it. The reason I need this kind of lawyer is because I want to be able to kill people. Now, I know what you're thinking, but you need to relax and bare with me. I don't want to kill just anyone. Just the stupid ones. According to Darwin's Theory of Evolution, the strongest and smartest will flourish and evolve and dominate over the weak and not so smart. Now if you look at what's becoming of our society, you'll become sadly aware how behind evolution is. We're rapidly becoming a fat, dumb, and lazy society. Need proof? My favorite show, Arrested Development won every industry award there was to win but only lasted two-and-a-half seasons. Why? One critic/writer cited that the show was in fact 'too smart for the average TV viewer.' Still not convinced? The Kardashian's have been on the air for five years running and show no sign of going anywhere! Several years ago, while I was still working as a chef, I worked for a European chef who had just finished a cookbook. In the cookbook, he attributes Europeans' rich diet and long healthy lifestyles to their ability to balance their lives. Sure they eat rich decedent foods, and eat them often; but afterwards, they go for a walk or take a bike ride. It seems to me that Americans would rather microwave a Lean Cuisine meal, wash it down with a diet soda, and strap in for an extra hour of reality TV. Only Americans could become too lazy to evolve. Land of the free, indeed. Back to my feeling the need to take evolution into my own hands... I live on a busy street down the block from a junior high school. Every day at 3:00, thirteen year old idiots in Aberocombie t-shirts and basketball short come bolting out into the road mid-block amidst parked cars with no regard for traffic because they have the 'right-of-way.' I guess they haven't considered that their 150 pounds may not be a worthy match for a half ton of steel SUV. Why? Because they're idiots. If I were to hit one of these idiots, I'd simply be culling the herd of the dumb ones. Let's face it, if they're too dumb to remember a simple rule that they should have learned when they were six: look both ways before crossing the road; then they are likely to be a burden on society later in life. By getting rid of them, I'd be saving society a fortune in welfare and disability further down the road. Don't for a second saddle me with unbridled road rage. I have studied this segment of our society. In fact most kids carrying a musical instrument cross at the corner (most notably, string instruments). Other kids crossing safely are those actually wearing coats when its 10 degrees outside. I really think the right lawyer can invoke enough reason (or lack thereof) to convince a judge that the theory of evolution is a good defence. If nothing else, it'll likely get people looking closer at how they live their lives and the example they set for their brood. I watched a kid spit on a passing car the other day. Where the hell did he pick up the reasoning that that's an acceptable practice? I should have ran him over. Think that punishment doesn't fit the crime? Well then tell me what punishment would deter that behavior. There are plenty of crimes out there at are being 'punished' and the individual gets out and does it again....and again, and again. Hey, in the theory of evolution reasoning, if the individual survives the hit, he may grow up stronger and a little wiser from the half ton of education. See? It work both ways. If your counter-argument to all of this nonsense is that it would never fly simply on the grounds that it's completely absurd and unreasonable, let's take a look at another debate that's going on out there right now. The NRA, who loves to wave the 'right to bare arms' flag, wants to put more guns into schools to prevent more gun deaths. That makes sense, right? How much more fun can grade school get with the added potential to turn any recess into high-noon at the OK Corral! They do love that Constitution of ours. The 200 year old rulebook that says we can have guns. Of course the guns of the 18th century were muskets. One single shot that took minutes to load and when fired, was accurate to 150 yards. I doubt that the founding fathers had put a lot of thought into what we'd come up with for the expressed purpose of slaying each other. The NRA: another prime example of why common sense is not going to win any arguments.
It's been nearly three weeks since I wrote the preceding column. I have yet to receive the epiphany that neatly ties it all together for me. I guess what it comes down to at a personal level is that I'm disappointed at where we are heading as a society. Who honestly believes that the answer to gun violence is more guns? Who really believes that it's acceptable to sue a restaurant for giving you exactly what you ordered? Who thinks 'right-of-way' should trump common sense? When Thomas Jefferson dreamed up the Declaration of Independence, he imagined it would be re-written every 20 or 30 years to adapt to the ever changing American society. Yet we've never managed to do more than make an adjustment here and there. You know -- like outlawing alcohol and then repealing that law -- the real important stuff. It's a sad state of affairs when what celebrities wear is on the news daily and yet another senseless tragedy barely makes page two. But what do I know? I can barely string two thoughts into a paragraph. But at least I know to look both ways before crossing the street. After all, Mitch Albom may be looking to flatten me.
